I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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