So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
