I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
