im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
