My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
