He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
