She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
