Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?