I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Randomize
