Your mouth is God's brothel.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize