I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Randomize
