I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
