i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
