Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dignity is for republicans.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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