Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize