she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
