Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.