mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
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Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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