Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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