I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
being pregnant is like rehab
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
