You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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