Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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