the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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