before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
