how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
