before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
