And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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