I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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