By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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