Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
