I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize