I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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