Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
