not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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