Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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