Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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