I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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