Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
