she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
