You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
