I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He felt like a one man threesome
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
