hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you didnt know i had herpes?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
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It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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