when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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