I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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