Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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