Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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