you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in