I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background