I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
