atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
