Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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